Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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