My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
