That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
