you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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