He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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