well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
