I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
two words...techno handjob
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
