I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
