can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
