I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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