Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
