At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
