just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize