I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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