Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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