why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
