I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
