You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
