My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
