Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
