mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
