you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
