Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
