I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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