How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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