I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
