Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I touched a dick in church today
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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