a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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