i don't plan on having that self control this summer
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We're using joints as your birthday candles
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
