The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
