I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
