Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
