Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
