I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
