I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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