I'm really into asian looking animals
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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