i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
