I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
