A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
