She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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