Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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