why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
