Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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