My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
