I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
