if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
