i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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