you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
