i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
