I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
