Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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