I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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