you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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