Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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