allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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