while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
