Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
