last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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