Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
