Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize