So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
