So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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