I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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