you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
